Fear: A Few Things That Scare Me

Since today is All Hallows Eve, or better known as Halloween I thought I ought to write about something scary. I did delve into horror genre briefly many a moons ago with the entry that I wrote called “Hangover Sunday: The School Theater”. That was a spooky tale that has been told many, many times within my family. I guess I ought to write about something scary and I will. It will not be a narrative but still it is a spooky subject, maybe taboo. I am thinking about doing a group of things that happen to us a lot but can be a bit scary to face. With that somewhat lost and disjointed intro, I believe it is time for us to begin. I think the best thing for you to do is take my hand, for I shall lead you the way. Hold on tight and remember no matter what happens I will be here.

One of the scariest things that can happen to us is when someone from our past comes back into our lives. You might be asking yourself, “Fuck, that isn’t scary, what are you talking about?”. My friend this can be scary. First let us realize that people who disappear out of our lives is because of some sort of emotional falling out. I know there are many reasons for people that come in and out of your life, but lets say you are living your life and minding your own business, when you either get a text message or an email and if they’re ballsy a phone call.

Normally I think this is a good thing. I mean getting a call from the past can sometimes be a good thing, but let’s forget about the people that call or message out of the blue because they are trying to reconnect with you. Let’s leave those people alone and let us focus on the friends lovers who have hurt us emotionally and then left our lives. Those are the ones that are truly, and I mean truly spooky to get a call from. It is spooky to get a call from the person who you dumped, but it is 100 times more scary to get a call or message from the one who dumped you.

The reason it is scary is because it is an emotional rollercoaster. If it was a truly bad break up with a ton of emotional baggage and you are the person who caused these emotions then it is spooky, but you still have just about complete control of the situation. I mean if you dumped this person and you called them and spoke to them, then I would bet that 75% of the time then the conversation will be civil. I mean there probably will be an air or undertone of anger from the person whom you speaking too. You will probably get a few minutes of good conversation and before you know the person will be screaming and yelling about this or that..

The reason why the person who got dumped conversation digresses is because as much as people say they are over the person who dumped them, they are probably not. Do people really get over another person after a break up? I mean I have known people who have been broken up for years and whenever a certain persons’ name is mentioned they get all angry and emotional. Even I am guilty of this. I mean I say I am over people emotionally, but whenever certain names are mentioned even in passing it always causes a stir of emotions that causes me to feel something. I have learned to control these emotions really well, but sometimes it still does sting.

Getting a call from a past relationship is scary because you are basically playing with wet and old dynamite. You never know when things will explode.

While we are on the subject of calls and messages, I think another scary thing that deals with the same kind of emotions is when you get a call or message out of the blue from someone you hadn’t spoken to in a long while. This person may have been out of your life because of circumstance and this person may not register to you emotionally like I mentioned about former lovers, but you get a call nevertheless. At first you may be happy to hear from this person and for a while it might be cool to hear from them, You converse about what is new in he or she’s life and you feel good about things. Then comes the pause or if the person is truly clever he or she calls every few days to try and get a friendship back in motion before they ask you for something. It is usually either money or a favor.

This really fucking pisses me off. I just went through this twice in the last month or so, The first time this happened to was with a dude that wasn’t even my fucking friend. I met him at a temp job, we talked about this and that. He asked for my number and about a week later he sends me a message about getting together because he had something to ask me. That’s when my eyes became small and I fucking knew it. I knew he was trying to ask me for money. I told him I would call him back. I never did and that is how that fool disappeared out of my life. It was good what I did. I mean if I had the means I would have helped him, but that’s not right. I still would not have helped him. That fool had some real fucking balls to ask for money.

The second time this happened, was when I had gotten an email from my ex. My most recent ex. I had thought that maybe we could rekindle whatever we had and I thought she was actually glad we were talking again. We talked every day for four days and I thought things were looking on the up and up with us, but then we were talking and talking deeply and that’s when she hit me with it. She wanted some cash for some bullshit.

Once again my eyes got small and I saw red. I feel like a fucking idiot. I had thought that maybe there would be a chance between us again. I could forgive the getting dumped, but, fuck she hit me with a ton of bricks. I couldn’t believe the fucking nerve that she had to ask me for cash. I told her “no”. I wished her a good life and god speed, but in a really polite way I basically told her to fuck off.

Why do people do this? I know people are selfish, but why do people only contact you when they need something. I don’t mind being used. Most of the time I can see when people are using me. I go with the flow of things with the person who is using me. I am not a pushover. When a woman uses me, for cash or help or whatever I let her. I get my needs met as well. It may sound sick and twisted but if I know a girl is using me for my money or help or status, then I get to have her body. Fair trade, don’t you think?

The funny thing about fear is that I don’t really fear the physical. I guess my only real fear is the dark and surprises. The dark is because I think my imagination runs wild. When I am in the dark, I am not scared of ghosts or aliens or any of that horse shit. I am more fearful of someone waiting for me in the dark. I don’t fear death, or loneliness, but I do fear home invasion. I have seen “Straw Dogs”, “A Clockwork Orange” and “Panic Room” and too me those kinds of stories are so fucking scary that it makes me not be able to breathe.

I am not too scared if I am alone, I mean what is the worse that could happen if someone breaks into my place? The only thing they could do is either rob me, rape me or kill me. Any of those three one can get over. If I am robbed, then I will get new things, if I am raped, I will find help, if I am killed, then what the fuck to I have to worry about? If I have a girlfriend or a wife and they get raped or killed in a home invasion and I survived then I think that is the scariest part especially if she got raped. I mean will I still love her? Would we still be able to stay together? Will she kill herself? Will I be turned on by the violation? I know it sounds very selfish, but my emotional state after that would drive me insane.

I know I have listed 3 different fears. 2 of the fears are relatively the same thing, well not really. They are at least in the same ball park, and definitely the same sport while the 3rd fear is just as scary. These are just thoughts and I hope you enjoyed a brief journey into what truly scares me. I know some of the fears may seem odd to you, but this is how I feel.

I hope you have a safe Halloween. Remember to scare your kids. Fear is a good thing. Fear controls and protects. Tell your kids to fear people, not bullshit like ghosts and goblins. I hope you are well my friend. You can let go of my hand now.

Messy Thoughts: On Depression, Friendship and Getting Old.

A week and half or so ago I wrote an entry called “Friendship Vol. 1: Friends of the Same Sex”, in it I talked about the aspects of having friends of the same sex. I know friendships with people of the same sex are usually pretty simple, but in that entry I took a long and hard look at it and I think I took it pretty far. In this entry I want to talk about another aspect of friendships. I know that the natural direction that I should follow is the friendships between men and women, but writing about friendships of different genders can be long and complicated and I am not up for it. I do however have another topic that deals with friendship and another aspect of it. I think an interesting topic can be when friendship fades. This applies to both friendship of the same sex and of the mixed genders.

The crummy thing about friendships is that sometimes when they are fading out they can be long and drawn out. I mean how does one break up with a friend? I touched lightly on this subject on my previous entry but I think it deserves more detail. I think when friendship fades it is a shitty feeling. I am not talking about when friendship fades because of some bullshit like a fight or whatever, I am talking about when friendship fades for really no real reason.

This has always been an odd thing to me. I mean I am kind of going through it right now. I mentioned the loss of my friendship with my buddy, but I can also see the end of a friendship with a female. I can tell this is happening because my so called friend has no time for me and this has kind of hurt me. I mean I did a lot for this person and I really have a good time with this person and it always seems to me that this person is having a good time, so I don’t understand why my friendship with this person is fading.

Maybe it is me. Maybe it is me who is boring, or not interesting to this person. I feel sad for this fading friendship, but what disturbs me more is I don’t know why it is fading. Am I boring? Am I ugly or whatever. I just wish people can be truly honest with me and I wish this fucking girl would tell me why she seems to never have time to do anything. I mean I took her out, and we seem to have gelled and then all of sudden she became a busy bee. Yet this same busy bee has all kinds of time to shop and do whatever bullshit that she does.

I sound angry and to be quite honest I am very angry. I mean I was once a very popular person when it came to making friends but now it seems that I have such a hard time and I cannot understand where my fucking mojo went. I used to be able to woo people with my bullshit and people used to fucking eat it and they smiled and all had a good time. These days though I try my very best to be a good friend who is caring and thoughtful but it never goes no where.

Maybe my bullshit is getting old. I am getting old and maybe my life style or just style is old. These past few weeks I have really been feeling old and out of sorts. I feel used and tired and I don’t know why. I think I am depressed and I feel I need some sort of anti-depressant*.

The funny thing is that I feel depressed yet I don’t want to drink or do drugs, but I do like going to the movies. I have gone to the movies more in 2011 then I ever have in my life. I mean just today(10/29/2011) I saw 3 movies in one day at the movie theater. I only paid 6 bucks, well 12 since I went with my brother, but 12 dollars for 3 movies is a hell of a deal.

I am just feeling all weird and I wish that this feeling would just go away. Originally this was going to be a part 2 to my friendship entry but it just turned to shit. I hope you enjoyed this and next time, more then likely tomorrow, I will get back to my topical entries. I am just feeling sad and I hope I didn’t bring you down with my emotional bullshit. Have a good day!

*I would love to take anti-depressants but one of the biggest side effects that I have read about online is ED(erectile dysfunction.), that would just cause more problems then it would solve. I may be depressed but I don’t drink or smoke or do drugs and that’s a good thing I think.

Kids These Days...

Now where to start? I suppose one of the subjects that I have seemed to have forgotten or rather chose not to write about is kids these days. I mean I have written about things that have bothered me, but things that bother me, but writing about young people these days is a whole different animal. One of the biggest pet peeves I experience on a daily basis is the youth of today.

I don’t mean people who are in their early twenties I mean kids between the ages of 11 and 15. After about 15 then these sub adults become somewhat tolerable. Kids between the ages of 11 and 15 are barely above retarded. I am not saying they are stupid, but what I do see from them is a sense of entitlement like no other. I know I was a little shit when I was a teen and when I was in early high school, but I don’t think I ever was at this level of retardation.

If you are having a tough time at what I am talking about then ride the bus, go to a movie, explore the mall any day of the week between the hours of 2 and 5pm and you will see exactly what it is I am talking about. I don’t know what it is about them that drives me nuts. I think it has to do with the fact that kids 15 through 11 were born and raised right when the internet and cell phones really took off. I think with the abundance of cell phones and the access to the internet, this generation of kids are the worst in history. I don’t care if your child or little brother and sister fall into this category(because I have siblings in this range as well), but its this generation that does not know a powerful word called “patience”.

I mean just look at this day and age. I mean no one can discipline kids anymore. I mean god fucking forbid you smack some 12 year old kid and that pile of afterbirth will call Child Protective Services and you may find yourself in court or worse, have your kids taken away. To me it’s bullshit. I was smacked as a child, I knew quite a few kids in my class that were hit and we turned out great. There is a difference between punishment and abuse*.

I was born in 1982, and I am almost 30 years old. I grew up in one of the last generations that did not have internet in their high school. I mean we did but it was so primitive and shitty that it was not worth using most of the time. I didn’t really grow up with a cell phone either. I got my first cell phone when I was about 21 years old. Pretty fucking late, when you consider my little sister has a cell phone and she is only like 10 years old. More then a full decade younger then me. I grew up in the pager age**. Pagers, let’s not talk about that shit.

Let’s also talk about the way kids these days talk. I don’t mean being loud or dumb, but the subject matter. I have never heard such whiney bitchiness from so called “thug kids”. The way the so called “tough” kids talk these days is the way kids who were Goth talked when I was young. Everything is about emotion and every thing is all dramatic and many, many fucking times, I hear about teens sex lives.

I hear adults my age talk about sex, as well, but there is something really disturbing when I hear a girl of about 14 say “I never gave away my vcard to him, I mean I let him feel me up and later I served him up”.***. Yes I was a horny teenager and yes I tried to get to feel up on as many girls as I could, but I never spoke about it out loud so nonchalantly and the way they spoke was disturbing to me. I mean it is odd just how open people are about sex. Is it progress? I don’t think so. Just because you can talk about sex, doesn’t mean you should and I really hope that those people are wearing protection because some of kids are going to find out about life the hard way.

I am not a prude and I like to talk dirty. There is nothing wrong with talking dirty and nasty to someone as long as they want to hear it, but I don’t care who you are, I don’t think it is a good idea to talk about that shit on the bus. Please can we also leave the making out to a minimum. It seems that everywhere I go there are two pimply sweaty and greasy people making out. I cannot really get mad at this, since I used to make out with girls anywhere. This is part of a punishment and for that I can forgive.

Kids are really dumb these days and they don’t know life before the age of cell phones and computers. I mean by no means is my generation brilliant, but it seemed to have bread people who were pretty smart and had some sort of control over themselves. People my age are Seth Rogan, Mark Zuckerberg, Natalie Portman just to name a few. People who grew up in the “cell phone” age are Miley Cyrus, Justin Bieber, Selena Gomez. I am not ragging on them, but if you look at their characters they are all about in your face now, now, now. My generation by no means was free from this. I mean we had Backstreet Boys and The Spice Girls, but the shit just seemed cooler. Maybe it’s cause I am a snob.

Maybe it’s an age thing. Maybe people my parents age thought that kids my age were spoiled. I am not too sure about this. I mean my generation(growing up in the late 80s-90s) had differences. I mean we had NES and Super NES, VHS, Cds and cable was dominant, but aside from cable and Cds and “real” video games, what was so different. I mean I didn’t grow up with a device that instantly connected me with friends, I know what it is like to miss a call. I know what phone tag is, I know it feels to get a busy signal. I mean our generation was different but it is not like 100% different like today’s generation.

I think it is the attitude that bothers me the most. I just wish people who are young know what it means to be cool and not treat every little event like a fucking tragedy.

*People always argue against kids getting hit with the belt or smacked, but I think it is important. I mean if a kid does something against the rules, then they should be spanked. SPANKED as in with an OPEN PALM, no fists or kicks. I mean spank and punch are two different things.

**Pagers are the stupidest fucking things ever invented. What is the point of a fucking pager? I mean you get a page, then you spend half an hour to get change and find a pay phone and you call the person back and when you do they’re usually not home. Or you could carry a pager and have a pocketful of change and jingle and jangle like an asshole. As stupid as they are when I was in high school, I was crazy about them. Even had a girl buy me one when I was in 9th grade. That rocked.

***That particular conversation was had by a effeminate Latino kid and his best “girlfriend” who looked, well I don‘t know, she looked like an alien. Probably hapa. The fag hag was the one doing all the talking. It got worse when the Latino started giving the girl “tips” on how to service her boyfriend.

Telepathy: Calling Out to People

Do humans possess mental telepathy? I have always wondered about this sort of thing. I mean I know supposedly a lot of people are in tune with something that allows them to read people, and make claims that are sometimes very true and very real. I am not talking about predicting the future or any of that sort of stuff. I am not sure we really can, but what I am talking about is psychic signals or just the fact that two people can be so in tuned with each other that sometimes it seems they share a bond with each other. I just don’t mean couples, I also mean friends, or relatives. I mean sometimes it just happens with two people.

I don’t normally believe in this sort of thing, well sort of I do but I never thought enough about this subject to write about it, until it happened to me in the last 2 days. Yesterday I had a meeting. This meeting was scheduled for 2pm yesterday. I decided to leave my house 2 hours early. I did this because it takes me an hour to get to the place where I was having the meeting and I also like to get to places like this really early. I get there early because it allows me time to center myself and get my qi and whatever into balance. Plus early bird gets the worm and all that jazz.

I was sitting outside the place waiting for my meeting to start when I was just reading an San Francisco Guardian paper*. I looked around and started people watching as I read, and I saw a bus pull away. When I saw this bus pull away it triggered a memory**. I remember when I was with my ex when I was in China and there was this one night where we were on our way back to our place. We always took the buses to places and in China rather then have a cord to pull that signals you are requesting a stop, you have to yell out stop in Mandarin. Pretty neat I think. Well our stop was popular and since we were way in the back I was one of the last people getting off. I saw my ex get off and since she was a bit more faster then me I hurried and wouldn’t you know it the bus took off and I saw her look up at with a “What the hell?” look on her face. I didn’t really panic. I tried to copy the Mandarin word but luckily someone there yelled it for me and the bus driver stopped and I got out. It was only like half a block away from out place. The rest of the night we laughed about it. I thought it was really funny. It was a blessing in disguise because rather then just go home we found a nice little café and had some nice snacks before we went to bed.

It is one of the best memories I have. It may not sound so exciting or particularly funny to you, but it is hard to capture the emotions behind it through words. I guess it was just a couple moment. A fun intimate moment that is forever engrained in my mind. This happened like on fifth day in China and I think this had really unwound her. She is uptight about many things, like how to act in public***, but at home she was just a normal girl.

Yesterday I was thinking about this and it made me smile. I had sort of not thought about that moment for a long while. I went to that meeting, it went exceptionally well, I walked back to the bus stop and then again that memory floated out of no where and I just smiled again and shrugged it off as maybe since I am on the bus then it might be triggering this memory. When I got home I didn’t think much of it. I then checked my email around 630pm yesterday evening and guess what was sitting in my email box? An email from my ex.

To me that was like a slap in the face. Not because I didn’t want to read it but the fact that she had emailed me. I will not divulge what the email said, since it is a private thing, but the fact that she emailed me at all is pretty amazing. I mean we hadn’t spoken in over 2 months and for her to email me after I had 1 specific memory pop up more then once. I find it odd and I wonder, did I mentally call her to get her to email me?

I do think about my ex. I think about her a lot, but it is usually either some anger issue, or how much of a cunt she turned out to be, or sexual in nature. This I take as a guy thing. I have noticed that a lot of guys think of their ex girlfriends or wives in this nature. Usually males think of this because I think it shows the most powerful of emotions. I mean the reason why someone got dumped will always linger on and it is usually fresh and present, they also think about what I like to call “the change”. The change is that moment when a girlfriend or wife went from someone cool to a complete bitch and if you are a guy who got dumped, then you are more then likely to have this kind of feeling. The sexual part is male human nature. I can think of every girl I have gone out with, had relations with and remember any and every sexual detail about them. The quirks, the likes and the dislikes, smell, everything.

At first I thought it was a matter of coincidence, but now the more that I think about it, I am thinking it’s more that I called out to her to send me a message. I think this because of the memory that popped up. I mean it was a memory that was not of the big three that I just mentioned. It was a happy memory, a memory that she holds dear to herself as well****. I mean I do think of our time together as a couple and when I do it usually kind of boils down to one of the three. This memory however was different, I didn’t think of this memory and then have me thinking about her and sex, it was pure smiles and happiness in the recollection.

Another act that happens a lot that leads me to believe that we all have mental telepathy is something that has happened to each and every person who reads this and just about everyone. Ever been sitting thinking about somebody, you then go up and grab your cell phone and you are just about to call them, when that same person calls you. This has happened to me many times, and it has happened to you. Weird right?

This also applies to when you actually call someone and when you get them on the phone they tell you that they were just about to call you as well. Is it coincidence? No, I don’t think so. I mean it might sound like it but I think that is a lazy way to think about it. It’s sort of a miracle if you really think to core of it. I mean it happens a lot and I think that it happens to so many people that we overlook it. Kind of like when conception happens. I mean out of 30 million sperm, the 1 sperm fertilizes the egg in your mother and that egg becomes you. It is a miracle, but it happens so often, that we are blinded by it.

I know that the bulk of this entry was about my mental telepathy with my ex, but I am sure that has happened to you. I mean I was really surprised and happy to hear from her. I do have a bit of feelings for her, but that is done and I must move on. I have gone on dates and they have led to just about no where, which is okay. I just think it is neat that when I called out to her, she responded.

*Thank god this paper is free. It is such a shitty publication and I don’t understand how the people who write for it, can keep their jobs. Horrible, hippy paper. I hate the San Francisco Guardian.

**Memories are a funny thing. To me, they remind me of the bubbles from “Pop Up Video” that used to play on VH1. I mean you can be sitting there watching TV and then you will see a commercial and that will trigger a memory of something nice or something embarrassing or something horrible. I wish there was a way we could control this a bit better. We as humans have no control over this.

***Uptight in the sense that she had to always plan our days and what to down to the minute. I am a big fan of this but even to a schedule ridden guy like myself she was insane. I mean when we were in China she was acting like we had to rush around, like we were going to miss a train or something. This is ironic because on out last day in China, she wanted to get her nails done at a little place next to the train station that was going to take us to Changsha. Well they didn’t finish until the very last moment and we had to bloody run for it and I literally jumped onto a train while it was moving. Indiana Jones stuff.

****About a week before we broke up, we had an intimate moment and she told me what her best memory of the trip was. I said jokingly “What all the shopping?”, she giggled a little bit but then told me the memory of the night that I missed our stop and went to the café. She said it was cute and funny and it was her favorite moment. She is many things, but she is honest and blunt. That is a scary and sexy trait.

9/16/2011: The Best Week of 2011

I have noticed that in my writings as of late, that their seems to be a theme of anger and dark subjects. I think it is due to the fact that I am dieting and I am also getting older. I am having a zero tolerance these days for people’s bullshit. I would say between the months of July and October or about two weeks before I started my writings again, I was in a state of perpetual blah. I was blah because I have nothing really going for myself. I was just going day by day going from library or coffee shop in order to use the net and then just bullshit about whatever it was that I was looking for. I was pretty much asleep while I was awake.

On Friday September 16th two things occurred. The first being that Star Wars was released on blu ray but more importantly a friend of mine arrived to San Francisco. This was a friend from my old school days. The days when I would party like there was no tomorrow. The days when all we did was drink, laugh, try and get laid and not have a fucking care in the whole world. Essentially my favorite time in my life. She was only here for one week, but boy oh boy did she did do a number on me.

We are friends. We are platonic friends, all though given a little more time I think we could have made something together. I am going to use this blog to write about how much I want her and how much I seriously pine for her*. I think I just want to acknowledge the fact that she made me happy. She made me happy from the inside out and for this I am grateful. She made me feel alive and I never even messed around with her.

I think it was good what she did. That entire week, with the exception of 1 day, we spent all day and most of the evening together. We visited all the major landmarks in San Francisco. We walked, and walked, and walked and walked and walked some more all week. I must have lost 10 pounds from all that walking. It not only made me feel physically high but also emotionally high as well. I felt like I could do anything.

What also made her so much fun was that we had a history together. We hadn’t seen each other in close to 8 years yet we acted as if we had only been apart a week. There is only one other(female) person in this world where I can go without speaking with her for months or years and when we finally do speak it is as if nothing has happened. I guess what I am trying to say is that I could easily be myself.

There are very few ladies I know where I can truly be me and my friend who came to San Francisco is one of those people. I admit I have had a crush on her for a long time, but it was one of those crushes that never has led to any type of obsession and what not. I find that odd, but I think it also means that my feelings for her are much more genuine then some of the other girls that I have liked.

In 2004 when we first met, I was interested in her. I wanted to take her out and date. However my good friend at the time had a crush on another girl and asked my friend to help him get together with my friend’s friend. As things do in stories and movies, my friend fell in love with his matchmaker and they were a couple. I was a bit annoyed by this in 2004, but at around the time my friend told me they were dating, I had my eyes set on another one. I mean it did bother me when I would see them holding hands and whatever couple bullshit they would do, but it didn’t make me mad. I always thought it was because she didn’t mean much to me. I think that’s wrong, I think it was because I actually did like her much more then I realized and when you like someone a lot you prefer them to be happy whether this is with or without you.**

In 2005 my friend(the guy) and his girlfriend(my friend who was here in September) picked me up from the airport. I was happy about this, but my mind was obsessing about another girl whom I liked a lot and me and this crush were a good match. We liked to hang out and not pay, we liked to watch movies, we liked just about everything. M y friend was then off of my radar for a long while. I was in Seoul 2 times in 2005 spent a lot of time there. Saw my buddy and his girlfriend often but not too much. Went home and in 2006 I got into a long relationship.

In 2009, August of 2009 I broke up with my long term one. In September of 2009 met the mainland Chinese girl and yet I had always thought my friend. I mean we didn’t speak much. Although every year she would send me a birthday wish***. I would also send her a birthday wish as well. I would always try and time it to be at her midnight in her Korean standard time. Most of the time I was a bit off by a couple of hours. Sometime during my long and drawn out relationship to my ex, I had heard she had broken up with my buddy****. I tried to get what happened between them, from him but he never once told me. I asked her about this year while we were having a deep conversational moment and she kind of shrugged it off. Told me a little hint about it, but I think was something heavy. Not my business, so moving on. I thought about her now and then but I was distracted with my own life and she was over 8,000 miles away across an ocean, so realistically what the fuck could I do?

After spending the week with her and doing all sorts of activities, I feel I owe her a thanks. I want to thank her for waking me up from what ever emo type funk I was in. Sometimes it is nice when people from the past come back in your life. What I liked about her return was that we are both single of the same age and our personalities click very well. I mean if they hadn’t I don’t think we would have hung out as much. I mean it is not like she was all alone here in San Francisco. I mean she had a hostel full of people from Korea, Japan, China, Europe and just about everywhere else in the world to hang out with and make friends with. There must have been something more then just Julian from back in the day.

She made me feel the most happy I have felt in a long time. I am hoping that the fates will allow us to one day be together again and hopefully things will work out. I mean it would be a cool story to tell later on in life. I know it is a long shot and I am not an idiot. I know that I may meet someone else or she might but if it meant to be then the fates will work it out and if that happens I will be grateful. That was the bestweek in years.

*It is true that she was my first crush on a Korean girl, but back in 2004 I had super ADD in terms of who I liked and who I wanted to get laid with. Since getting older crushes, don’t last long either, but if I did have a crush they would last for a long time. There is a difference between having a crush and liking a person then thinking someone is sexy and just want to fuck them.

**This is a true statement I believe. I mean if you are in love with someone and I mean really in love with them and you two are about to break up because she wants someone else or peruse her own thing and you do love her, then you will let her go. If you love someone you want them to be happy, even if that means they are not with you and I think the reason why I wasn’t mad was because I liked her a lot and I wanted her to be happy and if she was happy with my friend then that makes it all the better.

***My buddy, my friend’s ex and I had the same birthday. Just four years apart. He is four years older and I always wondered if that is why she remembered. Also my friend, her ex and I have a mutual friend with the same birthday as us. Also my aunt has the same birthday me and also(this is a tough one to write out), but my step father’s adopted brother’s wife has the same birthday as myself. That makes five fucking people who share my birthday. Also there is a Cold Case Episode called “The Sleepover” occurred on my birthday and the only reason why they found out about the case was because a guy would visit the spot where a little girl died. He visited the spot every year on my birthday.

****Now, they had broken up back in 2007 I believe and I figure that four years is long enough time for him to get over her. Please don’t try and argue this “bros before hoes” bullshit. If you want to get down to it, I wanted her first.

Complicated Life: A Rant on a Relationship

Sometimes life is complicated. I know that is an obvious statement but compared to any other time in my life, I feel that I live in one of the most complex times. I don't mean that life in 21st century is any more complex then any other time in history, but I think that as an adult at 28 years old, I feel things are complicated. A lot of times they start off easy, but at something like light speed things all around me can go from simple to complicated and I never understood that.

I think it has to do with being an adult and as we get older it is like a roller coaster we keep climbing the that super steep hill until we peak and then we all come rushing down. I mean as I said I am 28 years old and I know life will be more complicated when I am 35. I think I just want to address this with an example of just how life can turn from simple to complex in a blink of an eye.

As I have mentioned before I had a girlfriend who was born and raised in China. We were together for more then year close to a year and half and during that time we had had a big fight and took a break for about a week. At first I was a bit relieved and decided to try and take out another girl. This was in March of 2010.

As the fates would have it, I was on my way home from my night shift and I happened upon on a chubby girl. Of course she was Asian and when I heard her speak I knew she was right up my alley. She was Korean and Korean of the best kind*. In terms of the US her weight was really small but in Korean eyes she was quite not so good looking. I noticed her on the underground train and I thought she was cute. Of course as I was about to talk to her our station came up and we got off on the same stop. We boarded the elevator and she asked me what a certain abbreviation meant. This started a conversation and of course I got the number. At Forest Hill station we take different buses. That is a good thing.

That night she sent me a text message and that was rather surprising. She talked all this shit about all the different things she wanted to do together. I thought she was really digging me. The neat thing was this happened 2 days after me and my ex started our break. Scummy I know, but if women can do it, why can't I? Anyways, we would text and whatever and then we finally went out. I took a personal day off and we had a date. We had lunch, walked and talked, watched Shutter Island then went to have dinner at this Korean spot that I know. We drank held hands and I thought to myself. Finally a fucking Korean girlfriend in the United States.

Anyways, the following days to come it was like she was a different person. I would call her and not get calls back, same thing with text messages. This is where my rage stated against not having my messages returned. I mean I never made any kind of serious move on her. She was the one who grabbed my hand in the movies and held it. She was the one who made all these crazy plans, she was the one who sent me a text message in the middle of the night. I mean was I being to presumptious? Maybe it was karma for the fact that I was technically cheating. I mean we were on a break and for all I know she could have been fucking someone else**. I doubt it, but it could have been possible.

With the Korean girl, I called her a few times, and I was wondering why she was ignoring me. So I did a move, a sort of fucking creepy mood, but fuck her. She has the balls to hang out and get free meals, and food and booze yet that slag cunt could not even return my call to tell me to fuck off. I would have not have bothered her if she had told me to go fuck myself***. When I called her from a pay phone she answered and in her broken and fucked up English she lied and told me she was so busy and that we could be friends and that same tired female bullshit.

I guess I thought I was going to do a list of examples how complex life can be, but I decided to just follow how relationships can make life pretty complex. I am not trying to sound anti-woman, but since I like women a lot then i can only write about my experiences.

This entry turned out better then I thought. I mean she sent many mixed messages and I was not being weird or anything but whatever. It's funny how things that seemed so crystal clear can really go off the deep end.

*Korean girls in the United States tend to be of the better looking variety. I mean there are a shit load of hotties in San Francisco alone. That being said, The girl whom I was trying to get with was not so good looking. A lot of Korean people who are in the US are from richer backgrounds. Yes they are rich kids. I have stayed a while in South Korea and I can tell you there are a lot of poor people and average looking girls. Why do you think so many dumb ass military men can score with Korean women? My point is that in the US Korean girls tend to be prettier and rich. Remember most Korean international students live off of their parents. Think about that when you get mad at some smart ass Korean student in your class.

**My ex from China was really loyal and this is something that I must respect about her. Crazy, angry, bitchy, money hungry she may have been, but a slut? No way. We got back together and stayed together for more then a year after this incident.

***I am the type of guy who if I am told you are not interested in me, then i will not bother you again. I don't have the emotional energy to try and work some game on a women. I work better with girls whom I click with initially. If it takes any kind of work, then I feel it is not worth it. I would have respected that Korean girl if she just had been upfront. She could have said "Yesterday was fun, but I don't like you." I would have been "Cool, see ya!". I found out she was dating some older nasty looking white guy. Why? But that is another topic for another day.

The End of Things: A Look at How to Survive

The end of the world is a scary thought. It is something that is always looming in everyone’s mind regardless if you believe in it or not. I mean technically the end of the world is when one dies. In 2012 the Mayans calendar comes to an end*. I am not sure if it is a literal end of the world like the world will implode or explode, but what it may mean is that it is the end of things as we know it. I mean it could be a Nuclear or radiation based war, or a super disease that will wipe out 99% of the population kind of like in Stephen King’s The Stand. What will not happen is some sort of Zombie apocalypse like in The Walking Dead or High School of The Dead. It won’t be like I Am Legend or the wretched Book of Eli. It won’t even be like The Road Warrior. There is one movie out there, that end of times might just look like and that movie is The Road**.

Let us begin at the beginning of the end, shall we. If there is a super disease and you are one of the lucky few who has survived it. It is one of the best possible end of the world scenarios. I know the human race would be virtually extinct but if the world is diseased and if it is a human disease then at least you will have food and animals. This only happens if the disease is for humans only. So it has been three months since the out break of the disease and everyone around you is dead or dying. This is a problem, while you may have a lot of animals and canned food for you too eat, the dead humans will be a big problem. I mean humans take a long time to decompose. This will cause a massive stench, contaminated water sources, and other diseases that could kill you, mister lucky 1 percent.

The best thing for you to do is to leave the major cities. The major cities will absolutely filthy. I mean imagine if 99.9% of San Francisco dropped dead from a disease and all those bodies would rot and it would be an unbreathable stench. Since the whole city is dead, then you can stock up on canned food and water. Do not grab anything that is not sealed, if you do and you eat then you can get disease. Not the super disease that killed everyone but those pesky diseases that decaying bodies bring***. You can pretty much grab any car you like and load up on supplies.

If the disease killed 99% of everyone on the planet, then it could be a lonely existence. I mean it is only 5,940,000 people left in the entire world. I mean that is the smallest the human population has been since we first learned to hunt and gather. That is tiny.

We fast forward to maybe a few years later and it is a lonely existence. I mean you travel around gathering food and living off of the land. You soon start to break down mentally, especially if you haven’t seen another human in a long while. If I were you I would find a gun store, stock up on arms. Grab a shot gun with buck shot, maybe a few pistols with a lot bullets, a hunting rifle. Since the world still has a lot of canned food and animals, then I think the human on human threat will be minimal. I say this because as long as things like food and water are available then humans will still act semi decent. If there are very few women then that could cause a problem. I will get to this issue in a few moments.

I think the diseased world would be an interesting but probably not too violent. I mean their might be some turf wars and people might be mean to each other due to insanity of being alone and thinking they are the only people in the world, but if a population does get together and they are all disease free then I think people will be good to each other. The population will be so low and so far in between, then people would not be nasty.

I know what I wrote might seem cheerful, but remember when most of the world is gone and almost all of the people of this world are, gone, but there is plenty of things to survive all around the end of things would be shitty but not too harsh. I mean just stay away from the bodies, try and keep taking the abundance of meds that is lying around, using all the cars or whatever and if you’re smart you may still have electricity.

There is always another side to the coin. If there is a nuclear war type of deal or radiation based wars that causes everything from humans to animals to fucking bacteria to die, then we will be in a whole other mess of things and it will not be pretty. Let us go back to the beginning of the end and let us say you survived the nuclear fall out that comes with dropping nukes. You survive, and all around you society is collapsing. I mean police are out fighting who ever we are fighting, people are dying from radiation poisoning, there is no law and order. Things are grim, and I mean really grim. All around you, the people that have survived are looting for stuff they can use. They loot for food and supplies, they cannot use cars****, and since a lot of people have survived then it is a violent place.

I say it is violent, because unlike the disease scenario, a lot of people will survive. In places that have major cities like the USA, China, India and Europe, then those people who survive will turn violent. Laws keep people from doing whatever they want and since in this brand in the new world there will be no laws, then it stands to reason that people will do whatever they want. People will kill, rape, steal and destroy everything that they come upon. The problem is that with nuclear fall out, it will destroy animals, and a lot of the food sources that we need. Radiation is a horrible thing, it can turn food bad, it turns water bad, causes nothing but destruction. This causes desperation. When people have their backs against the wall then they will act like animals.

In the beginning you will have to arm yourself. You will need to either find a gunsmith and pray that everyone is dead inside or you will need to find someone who has arms and kill them first. You may be thinking that I am nuts for saying to go around killing people in order to get guns, but if this kind of world were to really come about then it is truly survival of the fittest and in this world guns and brains is what you need. I would settle on a shot gun again. I would hope for a sawed off shotgun, because you would need a gun that would just obliterate people. Also a revolver or a pistol would be a good back up gun. You would also need a machete or maybe a samurai sword*****. A lot but not all cars will be taken out by the EMP that occurs when a nuke is dropped, so a lot of your trekking will be on foot.

It has been a year or two since the worst of the fallout and you are traveling. You have your arms, you try and gather whatever non tainted food and water there is. You have a warm jacket, some blankets and whatever else you need to survive. You will be okay I think if you are alone and can be quiet. If you have a woman with you, then you may have a bit of a problem. Women are not the problem it’s the other people who are the problem. In this new world where people are acting crazy due to a lack of rules and food, their will be groups of men, who will hunt down and rape whatever woman they happen upon. How am I sure of this, this kind of shit happens today. Google rape squads of Africa if you don’t believe me.

A woman at the end of times will have a tough time. You will have a tough time if you have a wife. You will need to be able to protect her from the pack of men that will roam the country. If you don’t then you will ultimately be shot or knifed and as you lay dying then you will get to watch these guys run a train on the woman you love. This is why you will need arms. If you are pounced upon by a rape and kill gang then you will need a gun that won’t just injure, but one that will kill. This is why I would choose a shot gun. You need to take out those motherfuckers. An AK 47 will be good too, but shot guns can blow people’s head’s apart. This also applies if you have a little child with you as well. Boy or girl, won’t matter to those gangs.

With food being so scarce then you may have to deal with cannibalism. Not just from yourself, but from other humans as well. When in times of need, you will need to be extremely careful, because people will kill you and eat you. Just like you may too eat and kill people as well. It is such a taboo subject but it must be addressed, when there is no food and all the animals are dead, then what will you do? No doubt eventually you will eat another person. This is what also causes a lot of the wolf pack mentality. I mean this applies to men and women, women will be pretty cruel as well, but I think it is the lack of everything that will cause us the humans to become like animals.

The end of things is a pretty grim picture. I feel I have covered a lot of the basics, I know one could keep writing about this subject forever, but I think this entry is already getting a bit long winded and I think I have covered the main points. I know I was a bit cheery writing about the super disease scenario, but the only good part about that is that people will appreciate life. I mean imagine all the humans gone and all the food that is still available. It will suck because things will get lonely and all your loved would more then likely be dead, but all the life stock will still be alive and the planet won’t be dead. Just most of us.

The nuclear scenario is much more grim. This is a lowered, but not as low, population with hardly any options to survive. With a nuke scenario, the life of the planet is basically dead. Especially the insects, plants and life providing bacteria. It would be a horrible situation.

I hope you enjoyed my little look into the end of things and remember if it is a super disease that wipes us out or a nuclear war, just be smart and you will survive.

*The Mayan end of the world scenario is open to a lot of intepretation. It could just mean an end of life as we know it, meaning that our minds might shift about things that we believe in. I am thinking Aliens will land, but for all we know it could just be another day and more then likely it will be. Just another day.

**The Road is one of the best movies about the end of the world and how it would be to live there. It is a tale of a father and son and deals with some of the subjects that I have addressed. It deals, with human cruelty, cannibalism, being ruthless first and just how fucked up the world will be in a world where there is no hope.

***Diseases like sepsis, typhoid, and the bubonic plague will no doubt kill you. Also this stems from when humans finally figured out that it is not a good idea to drink water where there are dead bodies or shit.

****Most modern cars will not be able to be used. Since their will be an EMP along with the nuke, then our modern cars would be useless. Older cars should work okay.

*****The problem with samurai swords is that if you have one, you need to know how to wield it. Not only that if you find one in a store or a pawn shop you need to make sure it is a real one. If not then it is just a shitty dull blade that can barely cut paper. Samurai swords are fucking impractical and I don’t care what Kill Bill should us. Stick to your fucking machete.

Things That Bother Me Part 1

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The Nature of God

God is perfection. God is absolute. God is something that we as humans cannot even begin to comprehended. Many of you know that I do believe in God. I believe that there is a real force out there that created us and is leading us on whatever path we may be on. I am not disputing God. God is great, God is love, God is everything. However I do not like the way God is really and truly dumb down by man. God is often times twisted and molded into the shape that we as insecure humans want him to be* Primarily I am looking at the Christian’s direction when I am speaking about this. I think as a whole Catholic, though flawed as an organization, hold a tad bit more respect for God then a lot of Christian groups out there. I am not going to get into the specifics of actual denominations of Christianity I will explicitly talking about but I would like to address a few key issues where a lot of Christians like to argue against. Deep breath and here we go.

Creationism, is the biggest affront to God in a long while. I say this because it is such a foolish concept. Can people with a straight sit there and tell me that God created the world in 6 modern days. That is to say 6 24 hour periods of time. I say “bullshit!”. God created life, there is no doubt about it. He created the world as the scientists have determined somewhere along the lines of 4 billion years ago or so.

I am not saying that a literal being with a big white beard sat on nothingness and said “let there be light”, no what I am saying that a divine force caused the big bang, it caused the expansion of the universe, it cause a star to be formed about 6 billion years ago. This brand new star then pulled in the right ingredients to create a rocky world, rather then a gas world. This divine force then caused this planet too cool and thus helped create water and it was from water that the first amino acids were created and it was God who caused all these little building blocks to be placed and come together in such a way that life could spring out of nothingness. This is how God created world, and everything we know in it.

If you were to follow a true die hard creationist then he or she would tell us that God created the world and everything in about 6 and half thousand years ago. He created everything in 6 human days and he made one man and one woman. These two men and women were to populate the world. It was these two people that gave us the first sin. See this is where I have a problem. If God created humans from nothing and told them to populate the world why did he only make two of them? It would be pretty dumb to try and take 2 beings and create an entire species from them. There would be issues of inbreeding and the species would die out. Even if get passed the Adam and Eve** aspect of things, then you have issues of their kids. They had two sons, Cain and Abel. Cain kills Abel and therefore who does he have children with? Eve? His mom? What the fuck?

If we go down this route of thinking then that means that God made a mistake and that is not possible. A super being like God cannot and will not make a mistake. The story of the flood tells paints a picture of a flawed God, and that can not be. People make God way too human and this is what pisses me off. I think we need to start realizing that God is not like us. He is the creator, the alpha and omega, and we need to realize no matter how hard we true and no matter what we do, we will never be like God.

Homosexuality is another issue that I have odds with. I am NOT against. I think it is fine. I think if two people of the same sex want to get together and do whatever, then it is their fucking business. Not mine, not yours, and unless you are one of the parties then it’s no ones business but the people involved. I mean how can homosexuality be called wicked or evil. It is ingrained in some people and they can not help it anymore then one can help what race they are. Their really isn’t anything wrong with it. It’s not for everyone. I mean I like women, and I have a couple of friends who are ladies and they only dig ladies and that is cool. I don’t get why it’s called evil. People say it is an affront to God, but I say no. I say if God allowed this to be created then it comes with his stamp of approval. So to all you people who believe that God hates fags, then you are mistaken. God does not have petty squabbles like that. He is too good for it.

Wow this entry has made me a bit tired and I think this is a good place too stop. I could probably go on all day about this topic, but I am feeling a bit under the weather and I am feeling like I just want to crawl into bed and do nothing. I just wished people did not twist God into this caricature. I wish people would realize that we are here to serve God and not be served.

Also please people, just live a good life. Don’t bother people who are different, don’t rape or kill or steal. Just be cool to each other and you will be right as rain.

*This has too fucking stop. I hate it when people use God to their own agenda, but every religion is guilty of this.

**Adam and Eve were not real. I hate to break it to you. Adam and Eve stand for the fundamental flaw that all humans suffer from. They were created by simple people, in order to explain the origins of why people do bad things to one another. Can we just leave them to pretty well written metaphors rather then them be historical people.

Friendship Vol. 1: Friends of the Same Sex

One of the most complex relationships one can have is friendship. It is complicated because it is an unrelenting monster. A lot of you may disagree, and say that friendship is one of the easiest types of relationship one can have with another human being. I do not believe that. I think it is something that is often times forced upon people, in order to feel like they fit in and also too friendship with the opposite sex, whether you are a female or a male is another complicated mess that can either thrive or turn up messy. I am not ragging on friendships, I am not one of these weirdoes that hates society. I have a few friends and a lot of people that I consider casuals, as in casual acquaintances. I was going to make this about all aspects of friendship, including the complex and often times heart wrenching friendships with females but then I thought to myself that the entry would be somewhere in the too long and too boring an entry so this is going to be part 1 of a series. I am not sure how long it will be. I want to talk about the most common of friendships. This applies to either sex and that is the friendship between you and the same sex. In this case since I am a male, I will talk about that.

It is a myth that friendship between guys is simple. People think that if you find someone with the same common interest or the same school or class or work that a friendship will spawn and everything will be nice. I think it is much more complicated than that. I have been in situations, especially at work, when I would be teamed up with whatever guy and we would chit chat and there would be nothing. I mean it he may turn out to be a casual acquaintance and nothing more. More times then not for me these types of friendships go nowhere.

When I am with a girl there are often times when I and my girlfriend at the time would hang out with other couples. I did this a few times with my long term ex, but my ex from mainland China, we did this quite a few times. I would be introduced to my ex girlfriends’ friends and those girls would bring whatever guy with them and we would be kind of forced to talk and shoot the shit. Those types of encounters always make me feel nervous and I try to avoid them at all costs. It is fun when I am with a girl and we go out with another couple to like see a movie or go shopping. That is fun I must admit, but what is not is the quiet time, especially if I am hanging with friends of my girlfriend and they run and do their girly thing. It’s those quiet moments when I forced to kind of chit chat with someone who is like a total stranger. I hate that shit. My ex from mainland China, had some cool friends, but she would always run off with her girlfriend and I would stuck trying to talk with some guy who has the same interest level in speaking to me that I do to him, which is to say none. It also doesn’t help the fact that these guys barely spoke English.

If you have kept up with my face book status updates, recently I mentioned I went to a goodbye party for a friend of mine who was going to back Seoul. I have known this guy for more 7 years and I consider him my best friend. We have been through good times and bad times. There was a time when he got super drunk and I mean black out drunk and he tried to assault some Japanese guy. I guess he did it because since he is Korean and he doesn’t like Japanese people too much. I saved his ass from a beat down because we were at a party with mostly Japanese and he just lost his shit. I had to calm the guy down and told him he was just drunk. On the other side of the coin, there was a time when I got blind drunk and he helped me get home. I didn’t assault or bother anyone but I was quite a bit a ways from where I lived so he helped me home. We have gone on double dates, I took him to his first American strip club*, and he got me laid in Seoul**. Real best friend shit. I mean it was good times and stuff.

However, when I went to that party I started to notice something. I noticed that the same comfortable feeling wasn’t there anymore. I saw that he had a lot of friends, which was cool, but that in past I was the one who helped him plan stuff. What I mean is that just about every party he has thrown he has taken my advice and for this good bye party, all I got was a text message invite. During the time of the party planning I was with my friend who had come from Korea to visit me and so he may have thought that I was too busy with her, but I don’t think that’s really it anymore. I think maybe the friendship is ending.

You may be think that I am saying this because I am a negative person who only sees the darkness and is so jaded about his own bullshit, but I don’t think that’s the case. I get this feeling because I noticed over the past year or so we stopped talking and started hanging out less and less. When we would hang out I felt that we didn’t do the same fun things like we used too. I mean we used to really party hard and talk with girls. I don’t mean pick up girls. I am not a big fan of picking up women from bars or really from anywhere. The way I meet women are on a whim. I don’t purposefully go out to a bar and say “tonight I will get laid”, no I am not that type of guy. When my friend and I would get drunk then I would like to talk too ladies. Usually Asian girls, and Korean girls to be specific. He and I knew a lot of Korean bars and we would go and just drink there. For me talking with the girls at the bar is more of a confidence booster and every now and then I would ask a well timed “can I have your number?”, and actually get it. Most of the time it was just goofing. He would do the same. Though he was a tad smoother then since he could speak Korean, my only glam appeal was the fact that I am a US citizen who speaks English fluently and for many ladies this gets them wet***.

Maybe it’s the fact that we’re growing up. He is one year older then me so that makes him 30 and since I turn 29 in less then a month, maybe we are too old to be bullshitting with girls who hang out at bars. I don’t know honestly. Is 29 too old to be chasing women? I don’t think so. I know a few people whom I have grown up with are married, but not all of them. I do want to get married and have kids, but when I would hang out and drink I just wanted to have a good time. I just think maybe he found new people with better or more interesting interests. That’s probably it. Am I saddened by it? Maybe a little. Am I angry about it? Nah, not really. I am an angry person, but when it comes to friendship, I have anger towards others and those people are of the opposite sex. That is an article for another day and time.

Seinfeld said it best that it is harder breaking up with a friend then it is a woman. I agree. I also agree with what Louis CK said that making new guy friends is like dating. I mean it really is. Making a new friendship with some dude is just as hard as trying to go out with a woman. Just think about it. When you meet a new guy, you guys become buddy-buddy, and you all are about to go out. You put on whatever right? Wrong, subconsciously you pick out something that is cool but casual. With ladies it is the opposite, you pick something with the illusion of casual but is actually cool. Then when you hang out with the new friend you all do your thing and subconsciously wonder if this person finds you interesting. Making new friends with other guys has all the bullshit to dating but none of the good shit. Just think about the next time you(the male reading this, fuck, this also applies to ladies, maybe even worse for the ladies) hang out with someone new, you will do all things that I have mentioned. Yes, you will and if you tell me otherwise then I know you are lying.

I want to get back to the Seinfeld train of thought, about ending a friendship is a hard thing to do. I have experienced a few incidents with people whom really liked me as a friend and I could not stand the person and I tried to casually get away from that person. I usually employ the disappear technique. This can be a cruel one, but I think it is better. I mean just make yourself scare and eventually you are out of that persons life. It is not nice and sometimes I feel really guilty about it.**** Sometimes you need to have self preservation and sometimes you have to be mean.

I have one really good male friend left. This is a guy I have known since I was 5 years old. I am happy for that. I know I rank high up as a good friend, but he does not consider me his best friend. That is okay. I am cool with that. I think old time good friends outrank best friends sometimes, It’s about the shared history which is cool. I consider my brother to be a best friend as well, but he is a biological friend. We fight and bicker but when the fucking chips are down, we got each other’s back especially if someone outside of the family tries to fuck around.

Friendship is mighty complex. It can be beneficial and it can be toxic. It can be great but it can also suck too. Are friends truly important? I don’t know, I honestly don’t. Their have been times in my life when I didn’t really have any friends and I still did the things I did. I am not the type of person that needs people to go with him to bars or movies or whatever, It can be more fun with another person, but at the same time other people can hinder a good time. Also I must point out, that doing things alone can be a lonely experience and loneliness, my friends and readers, is the shittiest emotion to feel.

*I took my friend and his buddy from Seoul to this little strip joint in San Francisco, called “Little Darlings” it was a shit hole of a place, but I did get the striper to do a little act for my friend. For a mere $20 this gal did a somersault on to my friends lap and her cunt and ass were all up in his face. I still remember how his face turned red. Fucking funny!

** My friend took me to the red light district of Seoul. I had had relations with Korean women, but I basically had to break up with a girl that I was seeing while I was there. I had told her I could make it back out to see her in like 6 months, but she was a really realistic person. She told me that I needed to focus on my work and what we had was fun, but that it was over. She was curt and honest about it but it is and probably will be the best break up I have ever had. She was a kindergarten teacher in Seoul. Very serious and almost always angry face, but she was fun. She told me few people see her fun side. I was lucky enough too. I asked my friend to take me to the red light district because I was not sure when I would be back to Seoul.

***What I said might have been crude, but according to my ex, one of the reasons why she liked me was because I was the fluent English speaker to approach and talk to her like a lady and not because she was from a different country.

****I have had people pull the same trick on me as well. I know all about how fucked up it is to pull the whole disappearing on another person trick, but sometimes one has no choice. Ladies have pulled this on me more times then guys. In fact this happened this past July, but truth be told I was glad she did it first.

Just a Quick Thought

One thing that has always bugged me about movie theaters, stadiums and any kind of venue. Why is the food so fucking expensive? I mean I know the reason is too make money, for the venue or the theater chain, but if the food is so fucking expensive why do people still fucking buy it? I mean all you need is a back pack and you can hit a liquor store or grocery store and you can save quite a bit of cash.

The thing I don't understand is why do people put up with it? I mean there are so many options out there. Hotdogs, watery sodas, overly expensive candy is just not fucking worth it. In South Korea for a movie ticket, popcorn and soda is less then $10. In the San Francisco movie tickets can be as much as fucking 13 and pop corn is like $6 and soda is like $4. Fucking ridiculous in my opinion.

People if we stop buying those over priced snack bar items them that will cause the prices to go down. I implore you, when watching a movie why even buy something to eat? It's noisy, disgusting and hurts everyone's wallet.

The Catholic Church: My Thoughts and Beliefs

I think that the Roman Catholic Church has a bad rap. Every time anyone starts talking about the Roman Catholic Church they are always mention the molestation of boys and girls. Yes, they happened. Yes, it is a bad thing to have happened but a few bad apples should not condemn the entire organization. I am a Catholic, and I was raised Catholic and I am proud to be one. What I am tired of is people shitting all over the Catholic Church.*

Like I said I was born and raised Catholic. I attended Catholic school until my high school career. At the time I didn’t appreciate the teachings of a private Catholic school and as an adult I take a bit of pride to know that I went to a decent elementary school. Our class was small and we had an interesting dynamic of folks. It was an array of all colors of the rainbow. It was a good group. Although there were some people who had interesting life paths.**

I am not a practicing Catholic. I am not a fan of waking up earlier, actually that’s wrong. I do like to get up early, but I just cannot get back into the rhythm of going to church every Sunday. I really want too, but I cannot find a Catholic church that makes me feel good. I could try at my old school, but my old school is so packed with yuppies and just annoying people that the feeling that I used to feel as a kid is completely gone. I do however pray everyday, usually before I go to sleep or when I have a free moment, I usually try and pray and center myself.

For nearly 2000 years the Roman Catholic Church has been around. I know the Roman Catholic Church has a bloody history. I mean look at the Crusades. Thousands of Muslims and probably a lot of Jews were slaughtered trying to take back the so called “Holy Land”. There was also the fact that towards the end of the Roman Empire reign, they had become Catholics and dominated a lot of the so called known world. I also know about the Holy Inquisition that took place in Spain and in Europe. The Catholic church is also involved in the child molestation scandals. The religion is not perfect, but what religion is?

Catholics and early Christians were a subject of persecution as well. I mean look at very beginning of when Catholics were just starting out. They were fed to lions and made to “battle” wild animals and Gladiators. The Romans hated Catholics to no end and nearly destroyed them, thank the heavens Constantine the Great had his vision of the cross in battle and turned all of Rome Catholic. I must note that during the time of Rome, Catholics were called Christians. Although Christians and Catholics of the modern age are quite different.

The crusades were of no excuse. I think a combination of the greediness of certain popes, and countries led to the bloody wars over the Holy Land. I mean the Christians massacred a lot of Muslims, and the Christians were much more brutal and barbaric. You have to remember however that this was during the Dark Ages. Rome had fallen and Rome was the light in the insanity, without their true guidance through rule, Europe was in bad shape. The Muslims however eventually won, they have their dome of the rock over the 2nd temple of Solomon, and they control the Sceptula. I think poetic justice.

The Holy Inquisition is another crime that the Catholic Church cannot really be forgiven. However I must point out that they did end over a 150 years ago. People also blame the Church for the slaughter of the natives in the Americas. I think this is wrong. Spain and Portugal were countries that wanted to conquer the free world. They battled and eventually slaughtered the Aztecs***. The destroyed the a lot of the cultures of Central and South America, with their advanced technology and disease. They also did this in the name of the Catholic Church. I am sure that they had a bit of Church backing but what it comes down to it, Spain and Portugal wanted to own the wealth and land of the free world, so they can control the world. The Catholic Church is not free of any blame and I am not saying that they had a right but they used to Spanish to slaughter natives and keep their religion alive. It is wrong and I do not condone it, but these were people that were simple, but violent. You cannot really tell it now, but Spain is one of the most bloodthirsty countries ever to be created.

In Spain during this time the Catholic Church under Tomas De Torquemada was an evil guy. He was an anti-Semite who got off on torturing Jews, Muslims and anyone who opposed the Catholic Church. He was a sick man who often took bribes, so that certain people can be declared a heretic. There is no forgiveness for anything that took place in Spain and in Europe during these times. The really shitty thing is that this went on for fucking 500 years, until the 1840s. I never understood what the point of the Inquisition was. They tortured people for not being Catholic. To me that is odd. I guess it was a power thing and the power seduced some people who were sociopaths.

As you can read, the Catholic Church has a dark and shady history. There is also the fact that supposedly the Catholic Church made a secret deal with the Nazis. I am not sure about that. The recent child molestations is another bad blow to the Catholic Church. I mean a few priests were sick, and decided to touch a couple of young children, and yes their superiors did try and cover it up, but that should not condemn all the people who are Catholic.

The Catholic Church is like any organization that is old, it is full of sins and atrocities. Every religion has them. There are terrorists that claim they are doing the will of Allah(Muslim), there are people who blow up abortion clinics and think that “All fags go to hell”. The people that do that are Christian fundamentalists. The Catholic Church is not a cult like the Jehovah’s Witnesses, or some of new so called religions like Scientology. They are just an organization, that has had a checkered past. The message that the Catholic Church tries to spread ought to overlook all the bullshit that surrounds it.

What I also find really unfair is the fact that people can shit all over the Catholic Church and never get in trouble about it. I mean I could post a picture of Jesus Christ raping children and all that would happen is someone would laugh. If I were to post something making fun of Jews then I would be called anti-Semetic. If I were to post a picture of the prophet Mohemmed, then I would also get in trouble. I just think it's unfair. The Catholic Church is not the only organization to commit bad acts. The Germans as the Nazi's wiped out nearly all of the Jews in Poland, yet people don't hate the Germans these days. The Japanese committed mass rape and murder to the Chinese, Koreans, and Philippines yet no one hates Japan. The United States massacred a lot of Native Americans in the Indian wars. But I digress.

A wise person once told me, to act “Christ-Like”, not Christian, when it comes to acting in your day to day life and you know what? I agree.

*South Park made a good point about this. They had a 2 part episode called Cartoon Wars where in it “Family Guy” was going to show an image of the Muslim prophet Muhammed. This caused a lot of controversy, and even Comedy Central pussied out and censored the image. However at the end of the episode the Muslim terrorists shot back with a picture of Jesus Christ, and it showed the Christ being shit upon. See that is okay to show, but it’s not okay to show some Arab named Muhammed. So not fair.

**From my count we had 1 teenage mother come from my class, a wife beater, a few drunks, a couple of drug addicts, and the icing on the cake is someone who is a convicted felon, who may or may not have murdered his father. Such great paths forged by a Catholic education.

***A big myth is that the Aztecs were defeated solely by the Spanish, but this is not true. The Aztecs, like the Romans and the French, were a dominant force that was feared by many outside tribes. These tribes banded together and brought down the mighty Aztecs. Also if the Aztecs hadn’t been so superstitious about their beliefs and just killed and destroyed the Spanish when they first arrived, life would be different. For the first time in history a people did not want to destroy what was different, and too me that was odd.

What is Sexy?

What is sexy? That is a hard question to answer and the answer differs from person to person and people cannot always agree what is sexy. Is sexy a purely physical thing or is it emotional or is it mental? I don’t really know, I will try and answer this question and also give my perspective on what is sexy. A lot of people find sexiness in the mind, others are in it for purely physical reasons. I will talk about what I find sexy both physical and emotional and figure out whether or not having a sexy body is enough. Better yet, is one sexy when they first start out or do they get sexier and sexier as you get to know them.

Before I delve into the mind of being sexy I feel I ought to get my opinion on what is sexy about the opposite sex. Women are sexy, for the most part one can find just about any woman sexy given the right circumstance and whatever you are into. My taste in women has evolved a lot over my life but for the past 8 years or so I have finally specifically been able to pin down exactly what I find sexy. First off I like skinny women. This is a great contrast, to when I was in my teens and when I was in high school. When I was in high school I would often like the chubbier girls. I have often wondered if this was because I thought they were cute, or because I thought I had a chance with them. I also think it was a cultural thing. I went to a high school that was still pretty segregated. It was not segregated because of any real policy but I noticed that the Latinos hung out with the Latinos and the blacks with the blacks. There was cross culture mixing but for the most part each group was pretty much apart from the other.

There is nothing wrong with chubby or heavy ladies, ladies who are chubby or heavy are pretty and can be pretty cute, but in terms of what I find sexy, they are not. I also like women with really small chests. I have never been a big boob fan. I mean yes, they can be sexy to look at it and see a woman naked with large breasts is pretty hot, but when it comes to fucking and getting off, large boobs are kind of turn off. To me they look odd. Just not my cup of tea I guess. I like smaller hips, and tight little asses as well. I am not a big fan of the big asses or the so called sexy black and Latina ass that is so fucking popular these days. Give me Zhang Zi Yi’s ass over Jennifer Lopez’s ass any day, thank you.

I was not in the mood to bring race into this but if you know me in real life then you know I dig Asian girls primarily and not just Asian girls, Taiwanese, Chinese. Japanese and Korean. There are plenty of sexy girls from south east Asia and other parts of Asia, but they are not who I really look at. Before you ask it, yes, I do look at race when I am trying to go after a woman. It may be racist, but I am betting many of you do as well. It’s what we like, and if you tell me you don’t do it, then you are lying to me and to yourself.

Now, let me talk about the sexiness of the mind. You may be asking yourself what exactly am I talking about when I mean that a woman is sexy in the mind. A good example is when you are getting together with a girl, whom you don’t think is all that sexy. Once you get to know her, she becomes more and more sexy and before you know you are madly in love with her. I have only truly experienced this one time and I feel the mind sexy applies more to women then it does to men.

I say it applies to women then it does to men because I think men are uglier then women. Usually you see some pretty girl with some ugly guy and sometimes you think that maybe the girl is using the guy for his money or whatever, but more times then not, the ugly guy seduced her and they are truly in love. I think it is because women find the mind much sexier then the body.

This makes a lot of sense as well. I mean men are a much more sight oriented sex, while women are all about emotions and feelings when it comes to choosing a mate. I am not saying that all men are all about the physical, but men are usually the ones that approach and so it stands to reason that in order for a female to get noticed by a male she had to be physically appealing for male to approach.

Am I attracted to truly sexy women? I don’t know. I know that when I see a woman whom I think is really sexy, I get nervous. I have recently experienced this just this week. When I was waiting for the 9 San Bruno Limited bus I saw these two girls. One was wearing jeans and whatever and she was not very memorable. Her friend however, oh man, that was a different story. She was a goddess. She was maybe about five feet tall(perfect height for me , in my opinion) and had jet black hair and when I walked past her to wait for the bus she smelled wonderful. Some sort of perfume or lotion or whatever it was it was smelled pretty fucking sexy. She was wearing a purple dress, and a shirt that had some sort of message on it I forget what it said, but it looked great on her too. I liked how when she was wearing her purple dress she had this blue belt on and I liked how she had a tiny little pouch of a belly. She was little and of course she was Korean too, which is the fucking cherry on top. She had probably just made it to the states because she was doing the normal touristy things that a lot of the girls do when they first arrive to San Francisco.

I just wished that I had spoken to her. I was tongue tied and she was epically sexy, time stopped when I saw her and I knew that she should bear my children. She was the first girl that I had seen in a long time, that made me stop in my tracks. Sure I see pretty and sexy women everyday but most only require one or two glances, with her, I became a fucking idiot and I really, really hope I run into her again.

What is sexy? Is my opinion of sexy the right one? Probably not. You may be asking as to why I like smaller women. Well I am a short guy and even though I am short I still like to be taller then the girl that I am with. I also like super skinny girls, because I am heavy. What the fuck am I going to do with a heavy girl? Wrestle? My point is that I like what I like, because it is what I like and I just wanted to share my thoughts on the nature of what is sexy.

Your opinion of what is sexy is so cool, because it is whatever appeals to you. As long as whatever you find sexy is not illegal, then have at it.

Urban Nightmares: The 9 San Bruno and the 9 San Bruno Limited

As many of you know, I take the bus. I am nearly 30 years old and I still take the bus to get to where I have to go. I don’t really mind taking the bus. It doesn’t bother me that I don’t drive, or that I don’t own a car. I live in a city where a car is optional. I can get anywhere and at any time of day on public transit. I am not going to rag on San Francisco’s MUNI system. That is a subject that I have not had the stomach to tackle and truth be told, if I were to write about MUNI it would be at least a 2 or 3 part blog entry. Not in mood for that. I do want to talk about one line, well two lines in particular that are both great and the fucking bane of my existence. The MUNI line I am talking about is the 9 San Bruno and the 9 San Bruno Limited.

First, let me talk about the 9 San Bruno Limited. The Limited bus is a great bus. It is really fast getting downtown. From San Bruno and Silver Ave to Market and 4th street in just a shade under 20 minutes. That is really fast and I mean screamingly fast. Sometimes it is faster taking that bus downtown then it is driving. The really neat thing about the 9 San Bruno Limited is that it is usually empty and one can have a seat and be comfortable. To me that is an odd thing to happen. I mean all the other Limited buses, like the 38 Geary Limited or the 71 Limited are always packed to the brim. It is like trying to travel in a sardine can in any of those bus lines.

Those were the pros about the 9 San Bruno Limited. The shitty things about the 9L are as follows. The most annoying part about that bus line is the simple fact that it only runs from Monday to Friday and from like 8am until 6pm. I know it is a convenience bus and I should not expect it to always run, but that should not be an excuse. The 38 Geary Limited runs until 930pm Mondays to Fridays, so not having the bus run in the evening is a bunch of bullshit. I know I am sounding like I am complaining but it sucks to hop on the regular 9 San Bruno at 830pm and it is still jam packed.

Another thing that I don’t like about the 9L is the fact that sometimes it does not come. I mean for the most part the 9L is a reliable bus, if you miss it you often have to wait about 14 minutes of so. Not so bad, but in the last year or so this has not been the fucking case. If you miss the 9L sometimes it takes fucking 45 minutes in order to catch the next one. If you’re going to wait that long then you might as well just catch the regular one. The 9L is actually a pretty good bus, when it comes. It has such sparse stops that it is usually empty and you can easily sit down. Now for it’s brother line the regular 9 that is a whole different story.

The 9 San Bruno is a brutally shitty and disgusting bus. It goes the same route as the 9L but it stops at every fucking stop, so it is slow and funky. I don’t mind the slowness of the bus, but 9 times out 10 the 9 San Bruno is jam packed. The reason why that bus is always jam packed is for two very shitty reasons. During the weekdays all the 9 San Bruno’s are smaller average sized buses. This would normally be okay, if they came every 7 or 8 minutes like the 24 Divisadero bus does, but no the 9 San Bruno comes every fucking 20 minutes and since it is a bus that connects people to all over the city, of course it is going to be fucking packed to the gills.

The other reason why the 9 San Bruno is always jam packed is because the fucking city refuses to give back the large double buses that can hold 3 times as many people. On the 38 Geary there at least 20 or 25 double buses that are running constantly. I get it that Geary is a busy street, but so is the fucking 9 San Bruno and it’s cross city voyage through SOMA and Potrero Hill. It seems to be that it is simply disrespectful, the 9 San Bruno is in the poorer section of town while Geary is more affluent. Whatever the case may be the 9 San Bruno is always packed, and its due to the fact that there is a massive demand for that line while the actual buses used to meet that demand are small.

The fact that the 9 San Bruno being crowded is not my biggest gripe with the line. Why I truly hate that line is the stench and the fact that it stops at San Francisco’s General Hospital. I don’t mind the sick people who go there, what I do mind are the out patient people or the methadone people who stink, are loud and fucking disgusting. I really wish those people would have their own buses. I have no problem with people who are in recovery but do these people have to be so fucking gross. Where does it say that when you’re a recovering drug addict, you are allergic to showering or deodorant? It’s sickening.

Often times these same people would crowd on the bus and cause problems on the bus. The 9 San Bruno is also one of the most violent buses I ride. Everyone talks about 44 or the T Line being violent but I have seen more shouting and more fist fights on the 9 San Bruno. The 9 San Bruno has a wretched stink to it as well. The reason being that since it goes down Market street it picks up a lot of homeless and scummy people. I really wish there was a law that said that if you had body odor you should not be allowed on the bus.

The 9 San Bruno also has a bunch of thugs ridding on their. These thugs are of every color. Black, Latin, White and Asian. The reason being that the 9 is such a vastly large bus route that it travels through a lot of different ghettos so as a rider you get to see thugs of every color of the rainbow.

As you can see my disdain for the 9 and 9L is pretty high. I don’t get why it is so fucking gross. I ride other bus lines and they are just as crowded but are not consistently disgusting. The 9 San Bruno and the 9 San Bruno Limited are two of the shittiest lines. If you are in San Francisco, avoid these lines at all costs.