On Turning 29

On Turning 29
Just my age.

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Messy Thoughts: On Depression, Friendship and Getting Old.

A week and half or so ago I wrote an entry called “Friendship Vol. 1: Friends of the Same Sex”, in it I talked about the aspects of having friends of the same sex. I know friendships with people of the same sex are usually pretty simple, but in that entry I took a long and hard look at it and I think I took it pretty far. In this entry I want to talk about another aspect of friendships. I know that the natural direction that I should follow is the friendships between men and women, but writing about friendships of different genders can be long and complicated and I am not up for it. I do however have another topic that deals with friendship and another aspect of it. I think an interesting topic can be when friendship fades. This applies to both friendship of the same sex and of the mixed genders.

The crummy thing about friendships is that sometimes when they are fading out they can be long and drawn out. I mean how does one break up with a friend? I touched lightly on this subject on my previous entry but I think it deserves more detail. I think when friendship fades it is a shitty feeling. I am not talking about when friendship fades because of some bullshit like a fight or whatever, I am talking about when friendship fades for really no real reason.

This has always been an odd thing to me. I mean I am kind of going through it right now. I mentioned the loss of my friendship with my buddy, but I can also see the end of a friendship with a female. I can tell this is happening because my so called friend has no time for me and this has kind of hurt me. I mean I did a lot for this person and I really have a good time with this person and it always seems to me that this person is having a good time, so I don’t understand why my friendship with this person is fading.

Maybe it is me. Maybe it is me who is boring, or not interesting to this person. I feel sad for this fading friendship, but what disturbs me more is I don’t know why it is fading. Am I boring? Am I ugly or whatever. I just wish people can be truly honest with me and I wish this fucking girl would tell me why she seems to never have time to do anything. I mean I took her out, and we seem to have gelled and then all of sudden she became a busy bee. Yet this same busy bee has all kinds of time to shop and do whatever bullshit that she does.

I sound angry and to be quite honest I am very angry. I mean I was once a very popular person when it came to making friends but now it seems that I have such a hard time and I cannot understand where my fucking mojo went. I used to be able to woo people with my bullshit and people used to fucking eat it and they smiled and all had a good time. These days though I try my very best to be a good friend who is caring and thoughtful but it never goes no where.

Maybe my bullshit is getting old. I am getting old and maybe my life style or just style is old. These past few weeks I have really been feeling old and out of sorts. I feel used and tired and I don’t know why. I think I am depressed and I feel I need some sort of anti-depressant*.

The funny thing is that I feel depressed yet I don’t want to drink or do drugs, but I do like going to the movies. I have gone to the movies more in 2011 then I ever have in my life. I mean just today(10/29/2011) I saw 3 movies in one day at the movie theater. I only paid 6 bucks, well 12 since I went with my brother, but 12 dollars for 3 movies is a hell of a deal.

I am just feeling all weird and I wish that this feeling would just go away. Originally this was going to be a part 2 to my friendship entry but it just turned to shit. I hope you enjoyed this and next time, more then likely tomorrow, I will get back to my topical entries. I am just feeling sad and I hope I didn’t bring you down with my emotional bullshit. Have a good day!

*I would love to take anti-depressants but one of the biggest side effects that I have read about online is ED(erectile dysfunction.), that would just cause more problems then it would solve. I may be depressed but I don’t drink or smoke or do drugs and that’s a good thing I think.

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