On Turning 29

On Turning 29
Just my age.

Monday, October 31, 2011

Fear: A Few Things That Scare Me

Since today is All Hallows Eve, or better known as Halloween I thought I ought to write about something scary. I did delve into horror genre briefly many a moons ago with the entry that I wrote called “Hangover Sunday: The School Theater”. That was a spooky tale that has been told many, many times within my family. I guess I ought to write about something scary and I will. It will not be a narrative but still it is a spooky subject, maybe taboo. I am thinking about doing a group of things that happen to us a lot but can be a bit scary to face. With that somewhat lost and disjointed intro, I believe it is time for us to begin. I think the best thing for you to do is take my hand, for I shall lead you the way. Hold on tight and remember no matter what happens I will be here.

One of the scariest things that can happen to us is when someone from our past comes back into our lives. You might be asking yourself, “Fuck, that isn’t scary, what are you talking about?”. My friend this can be scary. First let us realize that people who disappear out of our lives is because of some sort of emotional falling out. I know there are many reasons for people that come in and out of your life, but lets say you are living your life and minding your own business, when you either get a text message or an email and if they’re ballsy a phone call.

Normally I think this is a good thing. I mean getting a call from the past can sometimes be a good thing, but let’s forget about the people that call or message out of the blue because they are trying to reconnect with you. Let’s leave those people alone and let us focus on the friends lovers who have hurt us emotionally and then left our lives. Those are the ones that are truly, and I mean truly spooky to get a call from. It is spooky to get a call from the person who you dumped, but it is 100 times more scary to get a call or message from the one who dumped you.

The reason it is scary is because it is an emotional rollercoaster. If it was a truly bad break up with a ton of emotional baggage and you are the person who caused these emotions then it is spooky, but you still have just about complete control of the situation. I mean if you dumped this person and you called them and spoke to them, then I would bet that 75% of the time then the conversation will be civil. I mean there probably will be an air or undertone of anger from the person whom you speaking too. You will probably get a few minutes of good conversation and before you know the person will be screaming and yelling about this or that..

The reason why the person who got dumped conversation digresses is because as much as people say they are over the person who dumped them, they are probably not. Do people really get over another person after a break up? I mean I have known people who have been broken up for years and whenever a certain persons’ name is mentioned they get all angry and emotional. Even I am guilty of this. I mean I say I am over people emotionally, but whenever certain names are mentioned even in passing it always causes a stir of emotions that causes me to feel something. I have learned to control these emotions really well, but sometimes it still does sting.

Getting a call from a past relationship is scary because you are basically playing with wet and old dynamite. You never know when things will explode.

While we are on the subject of calls and messages, I think another scary thing that deals with the same kind of emotions is when you get a call or message out of the blue from someone you hadn’t spoken to in a long while. This person may have been out of your life because of circumstance and this person may not register to you emotionally like I mentioned about former lovers, but you get a call nevertheless. At first you may be happy to hear from this person and for a while it might be cool to hear from them, You converse about what is new in he or she’s life and you feel good about things. Then comes the pause or if the person is truly clever he or she calls every few days to try and get a friendship back in motion before they ask you for something. It is usually either money or a favor.

This really fucking pisses me off. I just went through this twice in the last month or so, The first time this happened to was with a dude that wasn’t even my fucking friend. I met him at a temp job, we talked about this and that. He asked for my number and about a week later he sends me a message about getting together because he had something to ask me. That’s when my eyes became small and I fucking knew it. I knew he was trying to ask me for money. I told him I would call him back. I never did and that is how that fool disappeared out of my life. It was good what I did. I mean if I had the means I would have helped him, but that’s not right. I still would not have helped him. That fool had some real fucking balls to ask for money.

The second time this happened, was when I had gotten an email from my ex. My most recent ex. I had thought that maybe we could rekindle whatever we had and I thought she was actually glad we were talking again. We talked every day for four days and I thought things were looking on the up and up with us, but then we were talking and talking deeply and that’s when she hit me with it. She wanted some cash for some bullshit.

Once again my eyes got small and I saw red. I feel like a fucking idiot. I had thought that maybe there would be a chance between us again. I could forgive the getting dumped, but, fuck she hit me with a ton of bricks. I couldn’t believe the fucking nerve that she had to ask me for cash. I told her “no”. I wished her a good life and god speed, but in a really polite way I basically told her to fuck off.

Why do people do this? I know people are selfish, but why do people only contact you when they need something. I don’t mind being used. Most of the time I can see when people are using me. I go with the flow of things with the person who is using me. I am not a pushover. When a woman uses me, for cash or help or whatever I let her. I get my needs met as well. It may sound sick and twisted but if I know a girl is using me for my money or help or status, then I get to have her body. Fair trade, don’t you think?

The funny thing about fear is that I don’t really fear the physical. I guess my only real fear is the dark and surprises. The dark is because I think my imagination runs wild. When I am in the dark, I am not scared of ghosts or aliens or any of that horse shit. I am more fearful of someone waiting for me in the dark. I don’t fear death, or loneliness, but I do fear home invasion. I have seen “Straw Dogs”, “A Clockwork Orange” and “Panic Room” and too me those kinds of stories are so fucking scary that it makes me not be able to breathe.

I am not too scared if I am alone, I mean what is the worse that could happen if someone breaks into my place? The only thing they could do is either rob me, rape me or kill me. Any of those three one can get over. If I am robbed, then I will get new things, if I am raped, I will find help, if I am killed, then what the fuck to I have to worry about? If I have a girlfriend or a wife and they get raped or killed in a home invasion and I survived then I think that is the scariest part especially if she got raped. I mean will I still love her? Would we still be able to stay together? Will she kill herself? Will I be turned on by the violation? I know it sounds very selfish, but my emotional state after that would drive me insane.

I know I have listed 3 different fears. 2 of the fears are relatively the same thing, well not really. They are at least in the same ball park, and definitely the same sport while the 3rd fear is just as scary. These are just thoughts and I hope you enjoyed a brief journey into what truly scares me. I know some of the fears may seem odd to you, but this is how I feel.

I hope you have a safe Halloween. Remember to scare your kids. Fear is a good thing. Fear controls and protects. Tell your kids to fear people, not bullshit like ghosts and goblins. I hope you are well my friend. You can let go of my hand now.

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